1. |
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Who created the heaven and earth?
Flying Spaghetti Monster
Who created the mountain and the midget?
Flying Spaghetti Monster
Have you been touched by his Noodly Appendage?
Ramen!
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2. |
Dark Side Light Side
03:18
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There is a dark side and a light side and it
Binds the universe together.
Rebels knew the power of the force
It let them do amazing things.
See through other eyes
Be a bit more wise
Rise above their size.
So there is Ben, as you begin the race
And there is dad, just tumbling through space.
There is a dark side and a light side and it
Binds the universe together.
Duct tape is a many-splendored thing
It has a million uses.
Anything that's broke, just ordinary folk
Have fixes rarely spoken of.
So there is glue, to stop things breaking free.
It sits on tape, to combat entropy
It has a dark side and light side and it
Binds the universe together.
Love is very rarely found
It's everywhere around us now.
Anywhere you go most anyone you know
Has sides they seldom show.
And I have life - each precious bit of time
And I have hope that you belong in mine.
It has a dark side and a light side and it
Binds the universe together.
Love has a dark side and a light side and it
Binds the universe together
Bind my universe together.
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3. |
iPhone
02:29
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I'm on an iPhone trying to call home
AT&T wouldn't let me through
The coverage sucked so I'm out of luck and
Now there is nothing we can do.
Yeah, I should have gone with Verizon.
Don't know what made me wait
Guess I wondered how their data plans operate.
I know it's extra for roaming and internationally
I'd do better with a GSM from Mobile T
I pay every bill
My phone never will let Siri explain -
Directions for my brain
To find a new plan
I can understand
They all sound the same!
I'm on an iPhone trying to call home
AT&T wouldn't let me through
The coverage sucked so I'm out of luck and
Now there is nothing we can do.
If happy ever after was a thing
I would get the message when you ring.
Not an hour later in my car
Why won't it go through - we've got 4 bars!
It might be different with Android
I hear they're cheaper to roam.
I would even consider buying a Nokia phone
I like the colorful tiles and interactivity
Though I'd also thought of getting a RIM Blackberry.
My service is gone; what happened to Palm?
They seemed so strong for just a little while.
My signal is blocked; my cellphone is locked
I think I'm focked!
I'm on an iPhone trying to call home
AT&T wouldn't let me through
The coverage sucked so I'm out of luck and
Now there is nothing we can do.
If happy ever after was a thing
I would get the message when you ring.
Not an hour later in my car
Why won't it go through - we've got 4 bars!
But I'm on an iPhone
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4. |
Billion Metal Dollars
02:07
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We're broke, no clout, pockets all turned out
And there's a billion metal dollars in a box
No cloth, no trees, just brass and manganese
A billion metal dollars in a box
You wonder how did we get into this position
Minting more won't keep our bills at bay
Men of numismatic disposition tried to put the coins in play
It didn't pay
So goodbye, see ya
Sacajawea couldn't help you spend the dollars in the box
And it's hard to know what anybody's thinking
Best intentions rarely turn out well
So stay with me and dance, and we'll sing of failed romance
Hope that we won't be the coins they couldn't sell
We're broke, no clout, pockets all turned out
Just like a billion metal dollars in a box.
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5. |
Ask A Ninja
02:16
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Counting on a Ninja for advice
Is not a helpful vice
He may just slice your head - off.
Ninjas are a bit too fond of knives
And taking other lives
And making sure you're dead.
Ask a ninja - ask a ninja! - and he may answer you.
Ask a ninja - ask a ninja! - what ninja think and do
If he answers, his memes may haunt you in your dreams
And the Ninja looks forward to killing you soon.
Ninja have a way of keeping still - they're very hard to kill
You can't impose your will upon them.
Ninja keep their footprint very small
You can't see them at all, 'til on their sword you fall
<chorus>
Ninja bowlers always make their pin
Their balls have so much spin
They knock down every lane - at once
Ninja barbers get a healthy tip
Their fingers never slip except to cause you pain.
<chorus, with unexpected death>
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6. |
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Fleas, mosquitos, lice and bedbugs make us a tasty treat
Fleas, mosquitos lice and bedbugs like nothing else to eat
They've got little tiny bellies fed by little tiny heads
Right this very minute some are hiding in your beds I tell you
Fleas, mosquitos, lice and bedbugs make city life complete.
Fleas, mosquitos, lice and bedbugs are predators of man
Fleas, mosquitos, lice and bedbugs will get you if they can.
They'll get you at the office; they will get you at the mall.
The trouble is they're very very very very small and that's why
Fleas, mosquitos, lice and bedbugs confound our every plan.
You might not like them but it's hard to get your wish
They could just go away but you are such a tasty dish! So,
Fleas, mosquitos, lice and bedbugs are in your bedroom still
Fleas, mosquitos, lice and bedbugs are very hard to kill.
You can try a little poison, maybe suffocate with gas
Or open up a window so they freeze their tiny ass but somehow
Fleas, mosquitos, lice and bedbugs
Come back and eat their fill - you know they will!
Come back and eat their fill. Oh, yeah!
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7. |
Brighter Than Today
03:12
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Many winter nights ago a woman shivered in the cold
Searched the sky and wondered why the gods invented pain
She bitterly struck rocks together
Wondering why our lives aren't better
Suddenly she saw the spark of light and golden flame
She showed others but they told her
She was not meant to control these primal forces
The gods were cloaked in mystery
Proud and angry, she defied them
She would not be satisfied
She lit a fire and started history
Tomorrow can be brighter than today
Although the night is cold and the stars may seem so far away
But every mind can be a perfect ray of courage, hope and freedom
Surely we can find our better way
Ages long forgotten now built the wheel and then the plow
Tilled the earth to prove our worth
Against the drought and snow
Soon we had time to ponder
Look into the sky and wonder,
"Could there be some deeper meaning we should know?"
The universe may seem unfair
The Laws of Nature do not care
Plagues and storms and our own evils
Nearly dowsed our flame
But through it all we have endured
Lessons learned, diseases cured
All Herculean tasks
But we can still proclaim:
Tomorrow can be brighter than today
Although the night is cold and the stars may seem so far away
But every mind can be a perfect ray of courage, hope and freedom
Surely we can find our better way!
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8. |
Can't See You
02:09
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Feeling a little neglected?
Don't think that I'm being mean.
Just can't see you if you're not on this screen.
The world can get kind of lonely
It's hard to make it alone.
You can't call me if you're not on my phone.
The world has plenty of people
Blocking my path when they walk
I'm sure a couple of you
Can put down the phone and talk
But that ain't me.
Some folks are full of complaining
They need to bitch and moan.
Won't concern me
'Cause I don't have to answer the phone.
You can't think of what to say
It's probably just as well
We've built plenty of ways of hiding inside a shell
So go away
I might be writing an email
Or tagged by a Facebook friend.
I'm right on that
My answer's nearly ready to send.
So sent me a text or an email
And you'll be on my screen.
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9. |
The Other One
02:47
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My invitation came too late
You already had a date.
Thought it might not go so well
But you fell
Now you have someone
Someone who desires
And helps and loves and cares and still perpetually inspires.
Until that love is done, that makes me
The other one.
While I gratuitously pine, you seem to never see the sign.
We could go on like that until the end of days
And then part ways.
But I'm trapped within the shadow of a glance you barely took
Dreading that next update, pressing petals in a book.
Another chance will come
Right now, I'm the other one.
And I will be here, waiting in the wings
Counting on the strife that every moment brings.
Just a friend, and a friendly ear
Thinking this won't last the year
Races have been run
Look how far we've come
And someday a new love will appear
Enough to make the whole world clear.
You didn't know it was so near.
But it's a love so overpowering
A budding, blooming flowering
A shining silver, picture perfect moment in the sun
When I won't be the other one.
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10. |
Card Counter
02:57
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Late at night on the strip walks a man with no name
Or many names, depending on the day.
Most other players are fools to think they know the rules
When to hit and when to stay
But this one's found the way
So hold a number in your mind
Keep it close where none can find
You adding and subtracting one by one.
Don't need to be Rain Man but your zero starts exact.
Two through six add one to the count; ten or ace subtract.
And that's the running count
Divide by decks left to make it true.
True count tells you what to do.
Card counter
Where others lose he'll win instead.
Card counter
Is the man with the numbers in his head.
At least the Eighteen Illustrious
Schlessinger and Wong
Know the count won't steer him wrong
So build a table in your head
Watch the cards turn black and red
Then look up every index with your brain.
The higher the count the more you double, split, and stand
Hope your best plays look insane.
Plus plus minus minus plus...plus one, plus two...
Is the dealer cheating me? Watch out for security.
Can the pit boss tell I used the count? I'm looking out!
Is it time to run away? Can I make just one more play?
Do they even know what I'm about?
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11. |
Choosing You
02:03
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That's my problem, always on another path
Different way to get back home.
I could lose myself almost anywhere and still be alone.
It's a choice to spend your affections
If you don't choose, that's one too.
So I'm choosing you - that's my problem
Always at another place.
One more outlet, one more show.
I could play them all - wouldn't mean a thing
And you'd never know.
Cause I can't sing about anything that matters
All I know that's true is I'm choosing you
That's my problem - I should either sink or swim
In the shallows I just float.
All the world drifts by in an aeroplane
And I'm in a boat.
But when I search for the safety of a harbor
And lose my ocean blue, I'm choosing you.
That's my problem: I'm choosing you.
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12. |
Turn Off The Gravity
02:17
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When you are cold, turn off the heat
When your belly aches you've got to eat.
When you feel sad you need some levity.
And when you are low, turn off the gravity.
Then you can float on your commute - just flap your arms
Though it'd go faster in your air suit - the jetpack is extra.
See, nobody knew that there was a knob.
Or maybe they thought it wasn't their job.
It could have been you but I just confessed it:
When I see a switch, well, I pressed it.
<chorus>
Now we can fly to the moon or stars - just kick off hard
And all of the universe is ours - the trip may go slowly.
Still I'm having fun just floating around.
I'd gotten so tired of feet on the ground.
No need to stop time but I'd like to pause it.
And there's one more switch left in my closet.
<chorus>
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13. |
Missing Piece of You
02:09
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Don't know what I had before I lost it;
My heart is not as certain as it seems.
Searched high and low but everywhere I go
I couldn't find the comfort that's now only in my dreams.
So I'm looking for something lost
Did you try the other pocket?
I don't know where it's gone to
Got a picture in this locket.
When my heart is uncertain
Where my world's all-over blue
I go search for my missing piece of you.
Tried to find a novelty distraction.
Sought to salve my soul with something new.
Searched many places, searched a thousand faces.
Nothing that erases my sweet memories of you.
Now I'm looking for something lost
Did you check under the bed?
I don't know where I lost it
Was it something that I said?
When my heart is uncertain
Where my world's all-over blue,
I go search for my missing piece of you.
TIme left pictures, letters I can see.
There might be a path but it's too late for me.
Looking for something lost.
Looking for something lost
Did you try the other pocket?
I don't know where it's gone to
Got a picture in this locket.
When my heart is uncertain
Where my world's all-over blue
I go search for my missing piece of you.
Search for my missing piece of you
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14. |
Turn It Around
02:53
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I didn't know where went the time.
With so many squandered chances just a few were mine
And ever since this soul was born
I've been grasping for the horn
But now it might be time to mourn the son that didn't shine.
I didn't know where old friends are grown
In a million lonely people very few have shown
That there is progress in a race
As we are gasping for a trace
Yet we are still afraid to face things on our own.
Turn it around; steer clear
Take us far away from here.
There's a bold new path
And somebody knows the way.
There must be a sign so lay in a course.
Grab a subway, hop on a horse
I don't care, I just know that we've lost ground.
It's time to turn around.
And one day you feel your best day's behind.
Further forward in the future little left to find.
And there's just a silent empty place
And a slightly slower pace
Where there once used to be some space to ease your mind.
But when you look back you might find a branch
Where the younger version of you had a different chance
Which you could take to start anew
And build a very different you
Until the one you thought you knew was just a trance.
<chorus>
Cause sometimes you've gone around in a circle
Lading away from the path you've got.
What have you found - is it the place you sought? it's not.
<chorus>
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15. |
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My love is a butterfly floating gently through summer fields
Spreading beauty and love under the midday sun
And your love is an entomologist
Chasing me down, ensnaring me in your nate
And taking me home, jabbing a pin through my guts
And mounting me on your wall
A pin. Your love is a pin through my guts.
My love is a sailing ship, seeking out a friendly shore
To cast out my anchor, happily never to sail no more
And your love is the ocean that drowns me
Leaving my bones to be picked at by crabs
And bringing settlers to the new world
With smallpox and influenza
Wiping out the indigenous population
Smallpox. Your love is smallpox.
You are a giant redwood falling on a family of deer
You are a soaring eagle landing in a minefield
You are the river rising over the downtown levee
You are Christmas, in Iran.
My love is a tiny puppy knowing only joy and trust
Greeting each new day as a miraculous gift
And your love is an underground dog-fighting ring
Capturing me and keeping me in a cage
On the brink of starvation, torturing me daily
Until all that I know is hate and rage
And death holds no meaning for me
Just like Christopher Walken at the end of The Deer Hunter
Christopher Walken. Your love is Christopher Walken.
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16. |
When I Die
03:05
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They may bury my body when I die
Near some graveyard I'll be found
Simply rotting in the ground
If they bury my body when I die
They may burn my body when I die
As that fiery furnace flashes
II'll be nothing more than ashes
If they burn my body when I die
They may use my body when I die
As the doctors ply their arts
I'll be in a hundred parts
If they use my body when I die
They may freeze my body when I die
Though I may well be mistaken
I would hope to reawaken
If they freeze my body when I die
They may eat my body when I die
If a zombie horde remains
They'll be hankering for brains
As they eat my body when I die.
I'd prefer to never die at all
Cheating death is such a rarity
It would take a singularity
To permit we never die at all
They may bury my body when I die
Near some graveyard I'll be found
Simply rotting in the ground
If they bury my body when I die.
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Glen Raphael New York, New York
Glen Raphael is a Brooklyn-based singer-songwriter who performs songs on such nerdy and diverse topics as quantum physics, bedbugs, and the Statue of Liberty's mid-life crisis. Glen has won Best Original Song awards at NCSA events and is the current organizer of the New York City Folk Music Meetup. ... more
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